Tag: anxiety

I’m sitting here, thinking about what to write.

The news is playing on the TV.

States across the country are instituting curfews – Arizona being one of them – and preparing for more destruction tonight and in the days ahead.

I’m tired.

I stayed up past midnight last night. I couldn’t peel myself away from the news. And yet, I haven’t stopped all day. I keep busying myself with mundane things.

I placed a grocery delivery for today. Paid bills. Put said groceries away. Prepped fruits and vegetables for the week. Cleaned out the refrigerator.

I made scalloped potatoes from scratch. I never make scalloped potatoes. I put a load of laundry in the washer.

I gave the kitchen sink a good scrubbing.

I wiped down the kitchen counters.

I’m writing this blog post even though I already had a post scheduled for today. I’m not sure what I want to say but I feel I should say something.

I texted my parents and asked if they needed anything before the curfew went into effect. Anything to help. Anything to keep myself busy. Anything to feel that I’m helping others. Taking care of the ones I love. Making a difference.

Even as I write this post, I have gotten up twice to serve scalloped potatoes to John. I’m finding busy work within my busy work.

This weekend marks 1 year in the new house, and this is not how I expected the occasion to go. This is not how I expected 2020 to go.

John and I followed news of the coronavirus late last year and knew it would eventually surface in America. But we didn’t know to what extent nor did we anticipate self-quarantines and stay-at-home orders.

We happily obliged. John falls into the high-risk category due to underlying health conditions. We didn’t leave the house for 2 weeks in March.

Even now we only leave the house when necessary. And when we do, we wear masks and gloves. We use hand sanitizer and wash our hands repeatedly. We wipe down surfaces. We have turned our bar room into a makeshift receiving room for deliveries.

I’m anxious by nature. And the launch of this blog couldn’t have come at a better time. It gives me an outlet to channel all of this energy.

I believe that is why I enjoy interior decorating so much. It keeps me occupied. It allows me to create order and to minimize chaos. It helps me to feel I have some control in a world where I have absolutely none.

The new house couldn’t have come at a better time either. Because there is so much to decorate and organize. So many plans to make. Even if those plans never come to fruition.

In fact, John and I reflected on the past year this morning. We talked about the things we thought we would have done. Like hosting family and friends more. Now we wonder if we’ll ever be given the chance.

But we are happy to have the house and each other. We couldn’t imagine living alone in our respective condos during the quarantine.

Nor could we imagine living alone with riots and destruction happening around us. And now this curfew.

We will happily oblige. John and I are homebodies by nature. We don’t understand the appeal of running around town for the sake of running around town.

Nor did we understand the reopening of the state in early May when cases of the coronavirus and related deaths were going up. So we made the decision to limit our time in public for the rest of the month and take a wait-and-see approach.

And now businesses are being ordered to close early because of the riots. And the virus has an increased chance of spreading because of the crowds.

But just as I said in my post, “Paralyzing Goldilocks,” March 26, 2020, staying at home by choice and staying at home to save your life are two very different realities.

My anxiety was at an all-time high over the coronavirus. And just when I was starting to accept a new normal, the riots begin.

I’m still not sure if I said anything in this post – but thank you for reading – other than to capture my thoughts at this particular moment in time.

What will the country look like when I wake up tomorrow? What will my state look like? My town? My neighborhood?

Because as we all know, the landscape is changing by the hour.